Where you were, what happened and how you got to this transformation today (from http://spiritjunkies.com/video-1)
Where do I start my story. How far back do I dare go. I know I have "come a long way". But how do I even start with that. Could tell you about the trials and tribulations. Being so low I didn't know there was a way out. The kind of things that most people do not talk about and if it mentioned either a feeling of shying away or "you don't know what the ---- you are talking about" comes to the surface. Ah, anger and shame. These two emotions are right up there with fear. None of which are helpful when "trying to find your voice", find your strength, courage or confidence. That said, how you can enjoy the light and be grateful for it without darkness. So, to understand the light, I will start with the darkness.
My memory bank is filled with protective security measures. I guess the guard in charge hasn't fully gotten the message that it no longer needs to be scared or protective because I can handle it now. (Now there's a statement that was met with a flutter of feeling). These security measures go back to childhood. I grew up as a odd, redheaded child, with one bad eye, one bad ear, and always my nose in a book. I was different. Unfortunately, people, especially kids, do not always react well to those who are different. Being half blind and half hard of hearing is my normal. Normal is what you grew up learning to be the way things are. Normal can include abuse when you don't know any different and I didn't. Normal is such a perspective-based load of crap.
My family supported me the best they could and love me dearly. We just didn't always connect and they didn't always understand. Everyone lives their own experience differently. I am sure there is a lot of things I do not know about my family that would certainly explain a lot of things but I don't. I love them dearly regardless. However, this is about my story. As a child, I dealt with secrets and feelings that I had no tools at all to use. I was lost and alone. My fondest memories are spending an afternoon in the tall grass reading. Reading was my escape and crafts my outlet. Oh and music; music saved me.
By the time I got through grade school, I was so far down a rabbit hole I didn't know if I could come back out. Weed and alcohol numbed the pain and got me through the day. There was a lot of pain that ended up permeating my being, later resulting in a fibromyalgia diagnosis. During that dark time of my life, I had no real self-esteem, self-love, self-whatever, I kept people at arms length, and experienced more pain at the hands of others. Then I moved back to a place closer to home but far enough away. There I did find help. I learned about the light and about "good days". That was 10 years ago.
Over the last 10 years, I have been putting myself back together. Finding my heart and linking it with my head and soul. It's been a long time. I haven't given up on myself and keep getting counselling when I need it. Even have gone to alternative health and energy workers. It's been a hell of a journey. Inside though, that childhood vulnerability and sadness still lingered. I swear that was sniffed out by certain people that found their way into my life. I managed to escape each time, until the last time. And it is the last time. Now I know my way and am reaping the rewards.
Today I love and respect myself. Mistakes are met with a firm hand to avoid ruminating so I don't drag myself down. I dragged myself into positive thinking a few years ago and things have been better since then at work and in life. It's easier to do now but it is a struggle.
Everyday is a transformation for me. There hasn't been a singular event that lead to my transformation. It has a been a gradual fight throughout my life. Everytime something came along to knock me down, I fell down for sure but stood up again. I have scars, inside and out. Some are carried with shame or anger, some with pride and admiration, some with courage, but most with a passive glance. I look at my accomplishments in life and I am in awe of myself. I have a Masters degree and an amazing job. Throughout everything I always made sure I had a roof over my head, food on the table and focused on my education and career - my anchors.
I should celebrate my 10 year anniversary of transformation. I want to say thank you to those who helped me along the way. Most of all, I want to thank myself for never giving up on me. It is true how you can only save yourself. Somehow through the fog, I deemed myself worthy. I am worthy. There is always work to be done. It's more than just about surviving, it's even more than just thriving now... I'm ready to share and teach and help others.
