blossoming future

Laying awake, staring into space
I try to sleep on one side, then the other
In my head many thoughts stir at once
not sure which ones to deal with first or last
the past is not the concern tonight
no real concern tonight
thinking about projects, waht to do this week
how things could pan out and possible plans
nothing about emotions or burdens
tonight i lay here with my kitties
play laser pointer and cuddle with my loves
although i have to work in the morning, i'm calm
it's all okay, it willl all work out... one way or another
life is so funny sometimes with its tangents and opportunities
all you can do is have a vague idea of waht you want to do
where you want to go, who you will be around
and yet, you could be wrong about everything you think or want
life is a mixed bag of anything and yet bottomless
it's all so beautiful, wonderful, and almost tangible
and i'm still awake but at least chatting with a friend
i'm still here thinking about nonesense
at the same time, it is nice to think light and fluffy
so serious all the time with projects, job thoughts, moving plans, etc
this week i have no classes and time to tackle such issues
i reflect on this weekend and feel good about:
laundry done, rack of clean dishes, clean counter and stovetop, and an assignment to a draft, and more plans to make for the week
enough senseless, enjoyable rambling, time to think about sleep again.

Today

Today should have been more special
instead i fucked that up
in every recovery there is possibility for relapse
in my recovery there were relapses
lessons have been learned and relearned

Today should have marked something great
and it still does in a small way
I still want to fight and continue
A promise made is a promise kept
too bad i didn't keep it to the fullest extent

Today marks my continued devotion and strength
Damnit, the better of me will win yet
Just for Today (and future days)
Not ready to restart the clock yet
Here's to six months on the road to recovery

First Step

Last night I took my first step
Weather almost stopped me
I took my first step outside
Missed the bus and kept walking
Made it to my destination
Butterflies in my stomach
Walked into the room
It was warm with greetings
I sat down everything surreal
Sat and listened and applauded
I found something important
Something to help me along
Someones to help me get through
Last night I took my first step
Next week I will take that step again
and again

Desperate Now

STABBING WESTWARD - Darkest Days

"Desperate Now"

I keep breaking all the promises
That I keep making to myself
You'd think by now that I'd be over this
Instead I'm feeling sorry for myself
So why does everything seem desperate now
I should be feeling so alive
But it feels like something's missing
Something's wrong somehow
It feels like something deep inside has died
So why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel like dying
Why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel desperate now

I keep breaking all the promises
That I keep making to myself
But promises mean nothing to me anymore
Circling the drain
Spiraling to hell

So why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel like dying
Why do I feel desperate now
Why do I feel desperate now

Functionable

I used to think it was no big deal
Something everyone did and it was cool
I used to think that there's nothing wrong
Something that was hidden but accepted
No one admits they have a problem
People live in denial
People do not see it that way
I see it another way

Used to breath my sorrows in and out
Had a crutch to reach at with ease
Now i struggle, toss and turn everyday
Asking myself "is it worth it?" to do this
Should I just cave in and forget about it?
But how can I do that to myself after this
I have come this far why not go all the way
I must come out of this denial
I must see it another way

So, I go to find support and another chance
Friend that once helped me get through it
Thank you for supporting me and giving me strength
I hope you are right and that it will do be good
I'm sure it will. I miss you too, friend
As I listen to my songs and my rational thought
I think to myself that:
it's not a matter of functioning with it
it's being able to function without it