The green vines surround me in tranquility
Brush against my face as I wander through them
This is peace, this is real, this is me
Wrapped around my arms in a lovers embrace
Never really letting go but never really hanging out
This is ecstasy, this is sensation, this is feeling
The brilliant colours are stunning in the light
Even in darkness, the vines offer comfort safely
This is letting go, this is embrace, this is trust
Sweet tendrils of mercy take my breath away
Standing still or moving forward it is there for me
This is support, this is believing, this is freedom
All of this dwells inside ready to come out
Looking within from the inside and out
This is love, this is trust, this is what I want
No more screaming from the bottoms of my soul
The vines caress reaches into the depths
This is release, this is emotion, this is acknowledgement
The ivy vine twists around my arm over and over
Weave its way around by back to remind me
This is grounding, this is truth, this is wonder
Burnt to the ground time and time again
Regrow stronger, more fruitful, more bold
This is resiliency, this is integrity, this is opportunity
It binds me together as whole with so many facets
The vine reminds me of abundance found always
This is beauty, this is strength, this is passion
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Friday, December 16, 2016
Remember, remember
Remember, remember the history of who I am
Often forgotten out of fear or shame
The stories come to the surface to be shared
Only to realize there is of nothing to be scared
The stories of my youth, regaled with reflection
Are nothing more than youthful genuflection
That part of my story is key, I often forget
But really, it is just a result of neglect
Who I was and who I am are in fact the same
Now I am to realize how much I have to gain
These stories to be retold come out quite bold
New insights to remember the days of old
Now, I come to realize what has happened
I really was quite smart, compassionate and blackened
So much of me was hidden under the depression
As the years wore on, the outside became the expresion
I was smart in school, volunteered and loved music
What I did was quite, for myself and others, therapeutic
I did so much more than for which I give myself credit
It is a shame I felt over the years to greatly self-edit
Memories fade away with a smile on my face
I have someone new with which to share my grace
Oddly enough, he understands it really quite well
This has given me new hope to break the old spell
Being misunderstood, hidden and confused were my norm
All of the sudden I feel understood seen and warm
Maybe that time of my life wasn't all so bad after all
I was bold, beautiful, and stood quite tall
I was also hurt, broken, bent and beaten in a cloud of pain
Only music could get through to me while the rest abstain
I knew not of another type of life I could live
The darkness I knew became my friend, to keep me alive
Oh, how many times that darkness nearly did me in
But I survived to live another day, I was allowed to begin
Each day anew it was an opportunity to change my dance
Always had to remember that music was my best chance
It was the best time that I felt alive, feeling the earth's pulse
Even though I surrounded myself in a haze in impulse
It kept me going and made me feel a part of something more
I really did need what it gave me to believe what is in store
In a world where I believed dreams could come true
I lived my life fully, even started each day anew
Along the way I forgot of how to live with my heart
It was my way out after my mind protecting from the start
Somehow my emotional being became disconnected
I was wrong; it has simply been neglected
When the world falls down around your ears
It is easy to revert back to old fears
Spirit and heart bright, my body and mind took flight
Only I didn't see it through the haze, especially at first light
My comfort zones were at night, hidden by the shadows
They absorbed my whole self in the foggy meadows
Come out into the sun, my child-self, to the warmth
Use your compass to find your due north
That little voice inside guides you along in trust
It's okay to know that some things do turn to dust
The girl you once were was very true but lost
She is you and you are her, it's time to cross
Remember, remember the truth of what was
Everything always happens, not just because
Let into the light the inside of who I was then
Take what I know and begin again
It all starts anew today, tomorrow and the next
I already have all the ingredients to be my best
Often forgotten out of fear or shame
The stories come to the surface to be shared
Only to realize there is of nothing to be scared
The stories of my youth, regaled with reflection
Are nothing more than youthful genuflection
That part of my story is key, I often forget
But really, it is just a result of neglect
Who I was and who I am are in fact the same
Now I am to realize how much I have to gain
These stories to be retold come out quite bold
New insights to remember the days of old
Now, I come to realize what has happened
I really was quite smart, compassionate and blackened
So much of me was hidden under the depression
As the years wore on, the outside became the expresion
I was smart in school, volunteered and loved music
What I did was quite, for myself and others, therapeutic
I did so much more than for which I give myself credit
It is a shame I felt over the years to greatly self-edit
Memories fade away with a smile on my face
I have someone new with which to share my grace
Oddly enough, he understands it really quite well
This has given me new hope to break the old spell
Being misunderstood, hidden and confused were my norm
All of the sudden I feel understood seen and warm
Maybe that time of my life wasn't all so bad after all
I was bold, beautiful, and stood quite tall
I was also hurt, broken, bent and beaten in a cloud of pain
Only music could get through to me while the rest abstain
I knew not of another type of life I could live
The darkness I knew became my friend, to keep me alive
Oh, how many times that darkness nearly did me in
But I survived to live another day, I was allowed to begin
Each day anew it was an opportunity to change my dance
Always had to remember that music was my best chance
It was the best time that I felt alive, feeling the earth's pulse
Even though I surrounded myself in a haze in impulse
It kept me going and made me feel a part of something more
I really did need what it gave me to believe what is in store
In a world where I believed dreams could come true
I lived my life fully, even started each day anew
Along the way I forgot of how to live with my heart
It was my way out after my mind protecting from the start
Somehow my emotional being became disconnected
I was wrong; it has simply been neglected
When the world falls down around your ears
It is easy to revert back to old fears
Spirit and heart bright, my body and mind took flight
Only I didn't see it through the haze, especially at first light
My comfort zones were at night, hidden by the shadows
They absorbed my whole self in the foggy meadows
Come out into the sun, my child-self, to the warmth
Use your compass to find your due north
That little voice inside guides you along in trust
It's okay to know that some things do turn to dust
The girl you once were was very true but lost
She is you and you are her, it's time to cross
Remember, remember the truth of what was
Everything always happens, not just because
Let into the light the inside of who I was then
Take what I know and begin again
It all starts anew today, tomorrow and the next
I already have all the ingredients to be my best
Friday, June 10, 2016
Story of a girl
There was once a little girl who wanted to love the world so much that it hurt. She looked it from sideways, upside down, head on, and any other way she could imagine. She looked and looked for it everywhere. She even looked for it in books. She would read and read and read, trying to find that feeling of comfort and love. You see, what she did find in the world scared her. She couldn't understand what was happening nor the feelings she had. The world was a very confusing place; one she couldn't quite grasp. So, she lived through her books and imagination. Anything creative that came up, she would embrace with gusto. Make jewellery: bracelets, necklaces, rings, and earrings. She would get crafting gifts and embrace them with glee at the possibilities. One of her favourite things to do was watch her Mom create whatever out of nothing. This gave the little girl comfort knowing that she could do the same. They shared in those moments what they couldn't through words.
As the girl grew up, she started learning about those feelings she couldn't share nor understand. Once the ugliness of them were understood, she started to panic! She felt lost, confused, used, and very very strange inside. Life made even less sense and took on a very grey feeling. After learning what was wrong, she immersed herself further into the books and into other worlds and projects that let her focus on other things that she could understand.
As the girl grew up, she started learning about those feelings she couldn't share nor understand. Once the ugliness of them were understood, she started to panic! She felt lost, confused, used, and very very strange inside. Life made even less sense and took on a very grey feeling. After learning what was wrong, she immersed herself further into the books and into other worlds and projects that let her focus on other things that she could understand.
Owning my story
Where you were, what happened and how you got to this transformation today (from http://spiritjunkies.com/video-1)
Where do I start my story. How far back do I dare go. I know I have "come a long way". But how do I even start with that. Could tell you about the trials and tribulations. Being so low I didn't know there was a way out. The kind of things that most people do not talk about and if it mentioned either a feeling of shying away or "you don't know what the ---- you are talking about" comes to the surface. Ah, anger and shame. These two emotions are right up there with fear. None of which are helpful when "trying to find your voice", find your strength, courage or confidence. That said, how you can enjoy the light and be grateful for it without darkness. So, to understand the light, I will start with the darkness.
My memory bank is filled with protective security measures. I guess the guard in charge hasn't fully gotten the message that it no longer needs to be scared or protective because I can handle it now. (Now there's a statement that was met with a flutter of feeling). These security measures go back to childhood. I grew up as a odd, redheaded child, with one bad eye, one bad ear, and always my nose in a book. I was different. Unfortunately, people, especially kids, do not always react well to those who are different. Being half blind and half hard of hearing is my normal. Normal is what you grew up learning to be the way things are. Normal can include abuse when you don't know any different and I didn't. Normal is such a perspective-based load of crap.
My family supported me the best they could and love me dearly. We just didn't always connect and they didn't always understand. Everyone lives their own experience differently. I am sure there is a lot of things I do not know about my family that would certainly explain a lot of things but I don't. I love them dearly regardless. However, this is about my story. As a child, I dealt with secrets and feelings that I had no tools at all to use. I was lost and alone. My fondest memories are spending an afternoon in the tall grass reading. Reading was my escape and crafts my outlet. Oh and music; music saved me.
By the time I got through grade school, I was so far down a rabbit hole I didn't know if I could come back out. Weed and alcohol numbed the pain and got me through the day. There was a lot of pain that ended up permeating my being, later resulting in a fibromyalgia diagnosis. During that dark time of my life, I had no real self-esteem, self-love, self-whatever, I kept people at arms length, and experienced more pain at the hands of others. Then I moved back to a place closer to home but far enough away. There I did find help. I learned about the light and about "good days". That was 10 years ago.
Over the last 10 years, I have been putting myself back together. Finding my heart and linking it with my head and soul. It's been a long time. I haven't given up on myself and keep getting counselling when I need it. Even have gone to alternative health and energy workers. It's been a hell of a journey. Inside though, that childhood vulnerability and sadness still lingered. I swear that was sniffed out by certain people that found their way into my life. I managed to escape each time, until the last time. And it is the last time. Now I know my way and am reaping the rewards.
Today I love and respect myself. Mistakes are met with a firm hand to avoid ruminating so I don't drag myself down. I dragged myself into positive thinking a few years ago and things have been better since then at work and in life. It's easier to do now but it is a struggle.
Everyday is a transformation for me. There hasn't been a singular event that lead to my transformation. It has a been a gradual fight throughout my life. Everytime something came along to knock me down, I fell down for sure but stood up again. I have scars, inside and out. Some are carried with shame or anger, some with pride and admiration, some with courage, but most with a passive glance. I look at my accomplishments in life and I am in awe of myself. I have a Masters degree and an amazing job. Throughout everything I always made sure I had a roof over my head, food on the table and focused on my education and career - my anchors.
I should celebrate my 10 year anniversary of transformation. I want to say thank you to those who helped me along the way. Most of all, I want to thank myself for never giving up on me. It is true how you can only save yourself. Somehow through the fog, I deemed myself worthy. I am worthy. There is always work to be done. It's more than just about surviving, it's even more than just thriving now... I'm ready to share and teach and help others.
Where do I start my story. How far back do I dare go. I know I have "come a long way". But how do I even start with that. Could tell you about the trials and tribulations. Being so low I didn't know there was a way out. The kind of things that most people do not talk about and if it mentioned either a feeling of shying away or "you don't know what the ---- you are talking about" comes to the surface. Ah, anger and shame. These two emotions are right up there with fear. None of which are helpful when "trying to find your voice", find your strength, courage or confidence. That said, how you can enjoy the light and be grateful for it without darkness. So, to understand the light, I will start with the darkness.
My memory bank is filled with protective security measures. I guess the guard in charge hasn't fully gotten the message that it no longer needs to be scared or protective because I can handle it now. (Now there's a statement that was met with a flutter of feeling). These security measures go back to childhood. I grew up as a odd, redheaded child, with one bad eye, one bad ear, and always my nose in a book. I was different. Unfortunately, people, especially kids, do not always react well to those who are different. Being half blind and half hard of hearing is my normal. Normal is what you grew up learning to be the way things are. Normal can include abuse when you don't know any different and I didn't. Normal is such a perspective-based load of crap.
My family supported me the best they could and love me dearly. We just didn't always connect and they didn't always understand. Everyone lives their own experience differently. I am sure there is a lot of things I do not know about my family that would certainly explain a lot of things but I don't. I love them dearly regardless. However, this is about my story. As a child, I dealt with secrets and feelings that I had no tools at all to use. I was lost and alone. My fondest memories are spending an afternoon in the tall grass reading. Reading was my escape and crafts my outlet. Oh and music; music saved me.
By the time I got through grade school, I was so far down a rabbit hole I didn't know if I could come back out. Weed and alcohol numbed the pain and got me through the day. There was a lot of pain that ended up permeating my being, later resulting in a fibromyalgia diagnosis. During that dark time of my life, I had no real self-esteem, self-love, self-whatever, I kept people at arms length, and experienced more pain at the hands of others. Then I moved back to a place closer to home but far enough away. There I did find help. I learned about the light and about "good days". That was 10 years ago.
Over the last 10 years, I have been putting myself back together. Finding my heart and linking it with my head and soul. It's been a long time. I haven't given up on myself and keep getting counselling when I need it. Even have gone to alternative health and energy workers. It's been a hell of a journey. Inside though, that childhood vulnerability and sadness still lingered. I swear that was sniffed out by certain people that found their way into my life. I managed to escape each time, until the last time. And it is the last time. Now I know my way and am reaping the rewards.
Today I love and respect myself. Mistakes are met with a firm hand to avoid ruminating so I don't drag myself down. I dragged myself into positive thinking a few years ago and things have been better since then at work and in life. It's easier to do now but it is a struggle.
Everyday is a transformation for me. There hasn't been a singular event that lead to my transformation. It has a been a gradual fight throughout my life. Everytime something came along to knock me down, I fell down for sure but stood up again. I have scars, inside and out. Some are carried with shame or anger, some with pride and admiration, some with courage, but most with a passive glance. I look at my accomplishments in life and I am in awe of myself. I have a Masters degree and an amazing job. Throughout everything I always made sure I had a roof over my head, food on the table and focused on my education and career - my anchors.
I should celebrate my 10 year anniversary of transformation. I want to say thank you to those who helped me along the way. Most of all, I want to thank myself for never giving up on me. It is true how you can only save yourself. Somehow through the fog, I deemed myself worthy. I am worthy. There is always work to be done. It's more than just about surviving, it's even more than just thriving now... I'm ready to share and teach and help others.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Heart to Mind to Heart
Heart of wisdom
Let me in again
It's time we become friends
Let go of the past
It's time we learn together rather than apart
Let us both do the loving and thinking
It's time for our union
Let's be one yet ourselves
Signed, the commonsensical mind
Let me in again
It's time we become friends
Let go of the past
It's time we learn together rather than apart
Let us both do the loving and thinking
It's time for our union
Let's be one yet ourselves
Signed, the commonsensical mind
Fairy Girl
She sang a song of wonder and beauty
Voice so soft yet strong
It spun around life in rainbow halos
Darkness creeped in, taking over
Dimming the light and sound
Until all was hollow, black & white
She fought to stay alive, to feel
Experiences became the outlet
Damage upon damage, no more tears
She dreamed of song of light during the day
She dreamed of red and black at night
Until there were no more tears, numb
Hope... there was hope...
Living with dark and light together
She learned to walk in both drab and colours
She once lost herself in music to hide the pain
Then embraced it again to heal
Songs came back to life
Strength once forgotten renewed
Rainbow dreams dared to be thought of
Beauty in life restored
Stronger than before
Until the fairy girl was once more
Voice so soft yet strong
It spun around life in rainbow halos
Darkness creeped in, taking over
Dimming the light and sound
Until all was hollow, black & white
She fought to stay alive, to feel
Experiences became the outlet
Damage upon damage, no more tears
She dreamed of song of light during the day
She dreamed of red and black at night
Until there were no more tears, numb
Hope... there was hope...
Living with dark and light together
She learned to walk in both drab and colours
She once lost herself in music to hide the pain
Then embraced it again to heal
Songs came back to life
Strength once forgotten renewed
Rainbow dreams dared to be thought of
Beauty in life restored
Stronger than before
Until the fairy girl was once more
Monday, March 21, 2016
The games we play
The last few months have been full of adventures. I have been watching my little boy grow before my eyes and opening myself up to learning and growing experiences. I did say my year of maternity leave would also be a year of professional development. I have not been disappointed.
One of the aspects of life I have been learning is about the games and intrigues of others. Unfortunately, I have an ex who has been very trying in many ways. I have been trying to figure out to play the best hand in order to not lose everything. This is where I have been going oh so wrong; trying to play games that I do not understand nor do they naturally come to me. I have been seeing the counsellor we had gone to for couples counselling for help understanding the nature of things with my ex. A lot of it is manipulation games. I do not like those kinds of games at all. It feels like I have been transported onto a playing field where I do not know the rules or even recognize the area. My hands have been tied in knots because of that. Instead it occurred to me at 4am (after a wakeup by my son) that I instead can be the oak tree.
"I am like the oak tree: I will stand tall and strong, endure all , protect my loved ones and smile at the sun and clouds alike."
I like this. It deeply resonates with me. I figure that if I am the solid oak tree, I cannot be bent to manipulations. I will still seek information to better understand my environment and the people I have to deal with on a regular basis. As well as myself.
I also see my own counsellor. Every time I see her, I feel more sure of myself and my situation. I get to ask her the questions that help me understand better my own coping mechanisms and views on life. She has reinforced many times over that I am a very strong woman and very capable of anything. It feels like I have broken through a wall of plastic wrap finally. I am now at a place where I can break free of the ropes, fully believe and have faith in my abilities and spirit's will, and be proud of myself. I will not try to be someone I am not (that never, ever worked out well for me but lead to many lessons). Instead, I will always be true to myself. In that way, I will be true to my son.
One of the aspects of life I have been learning is about the games and intrigues of others. Unfortunately, I have an ex who has been very trying in many ways. I have been trying to figure out to play the best hand in order to not lose everything. This is where I have been going oh so wrong; trying to play games that I do not understand nor do they naturally come to me. I have been seeing the counsellor we had gone to for couples counselling for help understanding the nature of things with my ex. A lot of it is manipulation games. I do not like those kinds of games at all. It feels like I have been transported onto a playing field where I do not know the rules or even recognize the area. My hands have been tied in knots because of that. Instead it occurred to me at 4am (after a wakeup by my son) that I instead can be the oak tree.
"I am like the oak tree: I will stand tall and strong, endure all , protect my loved ones and smile at the sun and clouds alike."
I like this. It deeply resonates with me. I figure that if I am the solid oak tree, I cannot be bent to manipulations. I will still seek information to better understand my environment and the people I have to deal with on a regular basis. As well as myself.
I also see my own counsellor. Every time I see her, I feel more sure of myself and my situation. I get to ask her the questions that help me understand better my own coping mechanisms and views on life. She has reinforced many times over that I am a very strong woman and very capable of anything. It feels like I have broken through a wall of plastic wrap finally. I am now at a place where I can break free of the ropes, fully believe and have faith in my abilities and spirit's will, and be proud of myself. I will not try to be someone I am not (that never, ever worked out well for me but lead to many lessons). Instead, I will always be true to myself. In that way, I will be true to my son.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)